Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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