the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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