Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
