yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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