My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
