the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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