If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
