Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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