i wish there were pregnant emoticons
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
two words: eviction party
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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