so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
