don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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