I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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