new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
