Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i love accidental penises.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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