i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
