Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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