We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize