i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
