Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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