Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
