At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
