Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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