If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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