just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
