I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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