Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
