not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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