Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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