a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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