Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
