omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
