I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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