Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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