Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
