Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
