Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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