i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
