If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
