I molested 6 butterflies tonight
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
