since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
