: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
