Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
