his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
