I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
