The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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