Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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