At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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