i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
