I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
