How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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