Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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