sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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