Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
