There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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