I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
