You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My ass is underappreciated
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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