I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
