My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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