You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
