Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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