So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
