This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize