do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
