today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
