Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
