i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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