i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
