Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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