Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
