You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
