Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
