I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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