once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
