im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
