Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
